Part III:
It’s
Really Simple
In Part I: It’s Okay To Be a Woman; my hope is I
conveyed the importance of embracing the woman God created you to be. There was a cool quote that came across my
FaceBook feed, “Our generation is
becoming so busy trying to prove that women can do what mend can do, that women
are loosing their uniqueness. Women
weren’t created to do everything a man can do.
Women were created to do everything a man can’t do.”, no idea who
said it, but I still think it qualifies as a quote? It really spoke to me because it says so much
more than what you read at face value.
Genesis 1:26
“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created
them; male and female he created them”.
You catch that last part there? “Male and female”, we were both created in
God’s image. Somewhere along the line
women drank the Kool-Aid that they were “less than” a man. I bet there are some women that will
immediately say “Well that’s because men believe that and treat us like we
are!!” If some said you were purple,
would you just start thinking you were purple?
Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true. That is why it is so important we women start
loving ourselves based on what we know
about who we are!! Stop competing with
men! Heck, stop competing with other
women!! The only person you should
compete with, and try to be better than, was the woman you were yesterday!
The next step, Part
II: Wives, Submit to God; I put a
different spin on this whole submitting thing.
If we omit the God part, all we see is “submit to your husband” and that
just rubs a lot of us the wrong way (me included). I have to admit, as I was writing Part II, I
had a light bulb moment. “Ohhhhhh,
submit to God?? Heck, I can do
that!!” Matter of fact, I want to do that! My entire life has proven that when I’m
obedient to God, and follow the Word, life is just…simple.
As I started trying to get
my head around the concept of submitting, my thoughts shifted to my boys. I’ve always said, and stand by it to this day;
having children made me a better person.
You don’t even have to have children to understand the parallel of
submission and children.
Have you ever been in
line, on an airplane, at a family function, sitting in the park, having dinner
in a restaurant, and a child starts to interact with you? Surely you’ve experiences at least one of
these things:
1.
Child pops
their head up over the seat in front of you, then immediately hides back behind
the seat. Slowly, they pop their head up
again. This time, you say “Boo”, child
smiles, you smile, and child hides again.
You do this twenty more times.
2.
Child brings
you a toy phone and hands it to you. You
take said phone and say hello. This
turns into a five-minute phone conversation with air.
3.
Child
(toddlers in particular) is accompanying you on daily errands. It’s nap time, but you have really need to
pick up a toy/gift for your older child’s friend’s birthday party tomorrow!! The now cranky, it’s nap time, child starts
getting restless so you grab a book/stuffed animal/plastic toy something
(hopefully that doesn’t make noise) and had it to said child. Now, if you’re me, it’s a cheap something,
because…you know the probability of having to buy this cheap something when
it’s time to leave is pretty high. If it
was my first born, cheap item goes back at check out, no big. However, second and third born? Yeah, cheap item goes home with us.
Guess what just
happened? Yep, that’s right, you
submitted to this child.
Another insight I’ve
gleaned from being a mother, especially of boys, is what lights them up. Even more
revealing was having a daughter in the house for a year and seeing what lit her
up. It’s an innate ability for me to
love my children and want meet their every need. It wasn’t until I had a daughter that I
became aware of the very subtle differences between sons and daughters.
My house went from all
boys, to three boys and one teenage daughter overnight. It was cool that she was a teenager, because
she could articulate her needs, most of the time. What I found was when she came to me; she
wanted hugs, words of validation about her. When the boys came to me, they might have
wanted a hug, but more importantly, they wanted me to be proud of what they did. You see the difference?
This difference was huge, and crystal clear!
Meeting the needs of my
daughter was a no brainer, just gotta love her!
Even better, she was a teenager.
She could just walk up and say “I need a hug” (I need to feel close to
you, I need you to love on me) and BAM, I could do that!! I could love on her all day, and she made it
really easy too! But there wasn’t much,
that I found, that couldn’t be resolved with a hug. I really can’t recall a time when I could see
she was in needing some love, and she brought me a picture she drew (because
she’s an amazing artist!!) to validate herself.
She just brought herself and without words said “I need you to just love
me for who I am”.
Now, the boys are totally
different. Add that there are three of
them, that’s three differents I had to figure out how to validate. My oldest will ask for nothing. My middle son
pretty much paints me a picture. I’ll
never forget the day I got on him for not doing one chore, and he got really
upset, “I forgot this one thing and you get mad. It’s like you don’t see all the other things I do!”
His words crushed my heart. Felt
like the worst mother on the planet at that moment. I know, without a doubt, that boy knows I
love him. But what he needed from me was
to see his work, and to appreciate that work.
My youngest son’s top favorite day is Tuesday. Why?
Because Tuesday is when he brings home his Tuesday Folder! In that folder is all his work from the
previous week. He absolutely beams as I got through every paper and
gush over how well he did. Just this
week, one project he’d done did not have an obvious grade on it, so I put it in
the pile, sans gushing, and moved to the next paper. He quietly reached over and took the paper,
and as I continued to gush over all the 100s, I noticed he was holding this
paper, upside down, where the 100 had been put on the back of the page. He needed
me to validate that grade, even though I was validating all the others, it was
important (to him specifically) I see all of them.
Meeting the needs of my
sons took a little more thought, but I was totally up for the challenge, what
mother wouldn’t be? When I started
paying attention, I could see the difference in how they responded to my love,
verses my approval. Don’t get me wrong,
they still need my love, but boy howdy do their faces light up when they get my
approval!
I’ve even taken it a step
further, because like I said my children make me a better person, by seeking
the good in what they do rather than point out the bad. This revelation, in and of itself is worthy
of a totally different discussion! But
to keep on track, I found the key to motivating them to do more of what I want
was validating the good I saw in
them.
Ok, game time!! Every played “Six Degrees of Kevin
Bacon”? Well, this is kind of like that,
except it’s with a word, and I did it in less than six degrees. Validating
the good I see in the boys shows them I approve
of who they are, and I admire them
for their efforts. Want to know what
another word for admire is? Respect. Ergo, to validate ultimately shows
respect. And that, respect, motivated my boys more than my love.
Let’s pull this all
together now!! What are men? Well, they are grown boys. So…what do you think motivates men? Ding!
Ding! Absolutely right, respect! Yes, love is good and needed, but respect is
what motivates them! Want to know what
it motivates them to do? Love you.
Simple, right?? We see that mothers willingly show respect
for their sons (well, once they figure out it motivates them), and that this is
what makes sons thrive!! So why why why
why do we balk at the thought of respecting our husbands?? “Because he doesn’t deserve it!!” Really?
Ever??
Let me leave you with some
thoughts:
·
Do you expect
your husband to love you? Or, is it ok
that he just love you when you are lovable?
·
Can you admit
that you aren’t always lovable?
·
Would you feel
amazing if your husband showed he loved you every single day?
·
Can you
concede that it would be pretty gosh darn simple to admire (respect) a son if
that’s what you knew he needed? Even on the days he got on your last nerve?
·
Is it possible
for you to put aside you own needs (for a moment), and see that little boy in
the man you married that needs you to
admire him? To tap into that intuitive
mothering instinct and pour it out on him?
·
Which is more
important to you? Being happy? Or being right? Does your need to be right stem from your own
insecurities and/or baggage from the past?
Some of these questions
may be pretty easy to answer, others less so.
But I encourage you to spend some time pondering, and praying, over
them. Finding the answers could be
imperative to taking the next step towards a happy marriage.
