Thursday, September 22, 2011

Who Needs a Real Life When We Have FaceBook??

It is a new phenomenon, peoples worlds are changed when FaceBook revamps its' format.  I had to sit and laugh the last couple of days at all the bitching and moaning going on.  I mean, really, it's FB people.  It changed, big deal, move.on.

Then, I found myself irrationally upset that I kept getting notifications for two certain friends.  It's not that I don't care, but really, 14 notifications because SoandSo went there with someone I don't know, or care to know?  14??  Last week, if I cared, I could scroll down the news feeds and see who was doing/thinking what.  If I was really interested in what someone was doing, I could go to their page.  Back in the day, getting a little "2" above the notification button was exciting!!  Now, it has lost it's thrill, it makes me sad (and annoyed).  I have unchecked, unsubscribed and all but blocked/unfriended these people.  And I swear to Maude that if I get another notification, because I don't know how to opt out of that, I'll SCREAM.

Now, you make me look at some little scrolling dealy on the right to see status updates, but you still show me status updates in the middle but they seem to be limited to the lamest things on the planet.  Of course in the little scrolling dealy, I now know that SoandSo posted to her bff's comment about having a bad day.  It is more information that I need, and NONE that I actually want.

There is probably some simple solution to this, but it is beyond me.  There are more list in more categories. I'm surprised that they haven't separated my friends into Jocks, Stoners, Fakers and Hippies (now that, I could get behind).  But they put some people in a "Close Friends" list and it made me laugh.  Dude, I haven't talked to her in y.e.a.r.s we are not close.  Somewhere, it did ask me who was in my family, ADD+, how many of you wished you could do that in real life??  "You're in the family, you're in the family, opps, sorry, you didn't make the cut.  Try harder and well see next week".

The security aspect I haven't even thought about, because, well, I haven't gotten that far in the process.  I'm sure something has changed, because when FB re-formats, all our laundry seems to be made public.  There isn't a lot I put "out there" that I want kept secret.  Seriously, if you type it into the securest secure place on the internets, it's still on the internets.  But I do have pictures of my kids, and I sometimes get caught up in the "some weirdo is going to copy and paste your kids picture and do weird things with it".  That kinda freaks me out, because of course, as a mom, I start thinking, "Well, what if they decide that's just the most adorable child they have ever seen and go to his school and nab him"??!  Lucky for me, I'm pretty sure they would immediately return Mav and William...Austin might be kept longer until they realize he's not going to do a.thing. unless they have Xbox, or there is money involved.

Just about the time we all get our feathers smoothed and are lovin' the FB again, they'll change something. ~sigh~  Apparently they missed the memo about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".  It was such a simple concept when it started, a perfect concept even.  Why try to improve on perfect??  But like I told a fb friend, next week (though it might take a month since so much changed) we won't even remember what it changed from and it will just be "normal" fb again. ~meh~  We gotta have something to bitch about though, and if it really is the fb format that is our biggest bitch of the day, life is pretty darn good!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Deep and Dark

When I started this feeble blog months ago, a friend suggested I write about "real" stuff.  I had grand plans for this blog, alas, it's simple my humble little place to share some thoughts with the few that read this.  For my friend, this is going to be about "real" stuff.  Deep dark stuff you don't really air to the world...But you know, maybe one of my readers will read this and know someone that needs to read it, for whatever reason.  Or...it's just my therapy for today, to purge thoughts that have become trapped in my head and I wish for them to leave.  So, I'm leaving them here.

For the life of me, I'm not sure why these old thoughts have crept back into my head.  Memories.  Memories I wish I didn't have, of pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy.  Ok, secretly I've wished this exact thing to happen to a couple of people, but then I take it back.  Really, no one should have to endure this.  It's two memories, the first is worse than the second, but they both still sucked rocks.  I remember exactly where these events took place, (one in a driveway, one on a porch), I remember the sick, numb feeling and then the devastation.  My world was turned upside down, shattered, everything that was...was no longer.  I curled into a fetal position and sobbed, praying to God to take away the agony, to make it stop!  It didn't stop, it came in waves, washing over me, and crushing me into the ground.

If I looked at a calendar, and a football schedule (lol), I could tell you the exact date my ex-husband told me of his affair.  We were in the driveway, had just left my oldest son with my mother, and I was a few weeks pregnant with my second child.  He turned off the car, sat there for a second, then looked at me.  I remember the look on his face, it was blank, numb looking.  I was looking him right in the eye when he told me he had an affair.  I'm pretty sure I said "Do what??", because, really, he did not just tell me he'd had an affair.  So, he said it again.  Damn.  I'd heard right the first time.  I then asked why he was telling me this.  Seriously, out of the blue, left field, nowhere, I was smashed in the face.  Don't husbands usually try to hide this shit??  That's what I always thought they did.  Deny, hide, cover up.  But never divulge the information in the driveway, on a Sunday night!  WTF??

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure what happen between me being in the car and me being curled up in the upstairs bathroom sobbing.  I didn't scream, or get angry at all, I saved that for later.  All I could think to do was go somewhere small and dark to cry, and pray.  There wasn't much conversation that night...there really isn't anything to say.  Sorry?  Um, that's not even close.  I'm not big on sorry anyway...but that's another story.  All I wanted to do was to be alone.  It's what I do when I'm hurt, I just want to crawl into a cave and hide.  I guess God listened to my prayers, because right when I thought I couldn't take the pain much more, it would subside.  Then start over.

As I sat in my small dark place, I remember going over the last two years of my life (which was how long the affair lasted) and finding every moment, every memory, now empty.  Anything that had brought joy to my life, was now rendered meaningless. When I looked forward, I saw nothing.  When the sobbing would stop, I was filled with a feeling of absolutely nothing.  Completely void of everything.  I am not sure which was worse, the sobbing, or the void.

There is one thing I wish I could do.  Well, there are several things I wish I could do...but one thing I've always thought would come in handy.  I wish I could get angry.  Don't get me wrong, I can and do get angry, just ask Austin at homework time.  But when faced with something that will "hurt my feelers", I can't go right to that defense mechanism, anger, and cover up the hurt.  Or at least push the hurt back far enough to so I can deal with it in spurts, maybe?  Nope, I gotta deal with all of it, right up front.  ~sigh~

So let's fast forward a bit.  Still married to the ex, "survived" the affair, had two more children, then, guess what.  You know that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."?  Well, that's how my first marriage ended.  Shame on me.  I found out about this one because, well, I'm nosey. (paranoid)  I just happen to pick up the ex's cell phone and...browse.  I think he was caught a bit off guard when I opened the shower door and asked "Who the F is this?".

This time around, I was prepared, if one can ever actually be prepared for something like this.  Out.  You must, go now.  I think the difference was that it wasn't just me that I had to take care of, I had three boys.    There was no question about "saving the marriage", really, twice??  Looking back, I think I would have liked to do things a little different.  My entire world was ripped apart, and my little boys were right there with me.  It was a blur the first six months, I kept my head above water only because I had to.  This time I couldn't curl up into the fetal position because I had three little boys that needed me to be ok.

I often find myself wondering if people really get what an affair does to a person.  With the first affair, I was only told because some old neighbors said to the ex "you tell or we tell".  I am, and will forever be, perplexed at this notion.  Did the neighbors truly understand the devastation and long term pain they were, in effect, causing??  I also wonder what the other "women" (and I use that term loosely here) thought.  Did it ever occur to them, while my ex was lying to me, that he was lying to them also??  It kind of seems like a logical leap, no?  I know my ex didn't understand the devastation I went through (until recently).  Why didn't he just leave, that would have sucked too, but at least I would have some ounce of dignity left...maybe.

There is no way for a woman to ever not feel it was her fault her partner had an affair.  No way.  If there is a way, please email it to me.  It is a strange voice that is left inside your head, forever after.  There are unwelcome times that I catch myself in the mirror and compare myself to "her" (it's usually the second her because she was the "up-graded" newer 1987 model).  It pisses me right off because I like who I am, and where I am, I even think I don't look too shabby for a 1971 model!!  I'm a classic baby!

It has been over four years, maybe even five, and I can still call up that exact feeling.  I have forgiven...mostly...and I constantly pray to forget.  It's the strangest little things that will bring that feeling back up to the surface.  Stupid little things, that others might not even notice.  But for me, they are devastating.  For a second, which is too long in my opinion, I feel hopeless and lost, and unsure of me.  On some occasions, I have to write in my journal, or blog, to get out of my own head and remember where I am now.

My life has turned into what I want it to be, and I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to pursue that life.  I consider the affairs and divorce life's way of giving me the kick in the pants I needed.  We, I, should have had the courage to end that marriage sooner.  Life is so precious, and so many years were waisted being unhappy, but "sticking it out".  There is no anger left, maybe a little hurt now and again.  But I have so much more to be thankful for, and that pulls me through the random days of remembering. It is something that did not kill me, but made me stronger.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Chicken Scallopini

I Googled this recipe on the internets because I had to figure out how to make chicken scallopini as good as Carino's without having to drop $15 every time I wanted it (which may be often now!!).  It turned out GREAT!!  Thank you, thank you Ashlee!!  There are also a lot of other yummy looking things in Ashlee's blog, you should go check them out!!


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Johnny Carino's Chicken Scallopini

Everytime we go to Johnny Carino's I order this. It is sooo mouth wateringly delicious. I am drooling just thinking about it. :0) I found a copycat recipe for it. So now I can make it any time!

Ingredients:
Lemon butter:
1/2 lb butter 
1 tablespoon lemon juice 
2 tablespoons white wine 
1/2 teaspoon garlic , minced
chicken 
4 tablespoons butter , melted
chicken breasts 
1/2 cup roma tomatoes 
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup cooked bacon , chopped
1 teaspoon salt 
1 teaspoon pepper 
1 teaspoon garlic salt
10 ounces spaghetti 
8 ounces heavy whipping cream 

Directions:
Combine Lemon Butter ingredients in a mixing bowl and beat at a medium speed until a smooth consistency in the batter is formed. Once combined, keep refrigerated until needed.
Put Spaghetti on to boil & prepare as you usually would.
While it is cooking halve each chicken breast (you will have 4 pieces).
In a warm saute pan, combine melted butter & chicken breast pieces. Saute until chicken is browned & just about done. Add tomatoes, mushrooms, bacon, and spice mixture. Simmer until tomatoes begin to dissolve & chicken is done. Add heavy cream and allow to boil to the middle of pan. Remove from heat, add one cup lemon butter, and fold together to make sauce.
Serve over spaghetti.

Ashlee side note: The lemon flavor is hardly noticeable, so don't think it's like lemon chicken. It's kind of like grilled herbed chicken with a creamy herb sauce. And the bacon, mushrooms, and tomatoes give it a nice kick. I'm getting hungry just talking about this!