I Am Not Worthy, I Am Loved!
Hebrews 12:29
…for our “God is a consuming fire.”
This season of my life is one
of fire. This little light of mine is
blazing, it’s exciting and sometimes a little scary.
Let me take you back about 40
years to probably one of my first vivid memories. I’m standing in my bathroom, looking into the
mirror. I see the little girl in the
mirror, blonde disheveled hair, pudgy little cheeks, and a welt developing
under her right eye, turning from red to a blue-green-blackish color. Tears brimming, but a fierce look on her face. I remember the feelings of that little girl;
a bit confused, a bit sad, but determined!!
You see, that little girl,
Stephanie Ann, had just been popped in the face with the butt of a BB gun. ~Gasp!!~
How horrible!! Nah, not really,
it makes me chuckle and smile now. I was
on fire then too, just been out shining my little light and sharing the love of
Jesus with my neighbor. Apparently, my
delivery of salvation was more than she wanted to hear? So she rejected my words and put a period at
the end of it with my very first black eye.
I could continue down that
path; sharing the twists and turns of my life that molded me into the woman
that stands before the mirror now. That
story will have to wait for another day…I want to talk about the woman in the
mirror now.
My morning time with God now
includes Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.
I love how she’s written the devotionals; they are like personal love
letters from Jesus. I can feel his
loving arms wrap around me as I read the words.
This morning the letter began
with “This is a time of abundance in your life.
Your cup runneth over with blessings.”
Now, honestly, I kinda balked at that.
Said out loud, “Ok, I’m just gonna have to take your word on that,
Jesus”, and just kept rewriting the love letter down in my journal (I like
rewriting things, it helps me internalize what I’m reading). It talked about “plodding uphill”, I
definitely related to that!! Then it
told me I was now in lush meadows (??what??), that I’m to enjoy the ease and
refreshment (??double what??). Then it
talked about things that made way more sense:
guilt, not deserving to be so richly blessed. Yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about!
After each love letter, there
are relevant scriptures, I write these down too. One stuck out, probably one of the first
verses I memorized as a child.
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world (me, Stephanie
Ann) that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should
not perish but have everlasting life.”
He had me at “so loved”, I’ve
known that for forty-one years now!
Recently I was able to go back to the very place I professed my faith in
Christ. I saw the exact spot I told my
mama and daddy I needed to go down to the pulpit. The baptistery was exactly the same, and I
could recall exactly what it looked like as I walked down into the water that
would represent my sins being washed away.
There is something I’ve
learned, and fully believe with every ounce of my being, that nothing that is put before me is by
chance. The importance of what is before
me varies, and I probably over analyze a little too much? So I had to go back to the beginning and
reread “This is a time of abundance in your life”.
“Ok, God, what are you trying
to tell me here?” because this has been a difficult year/month/week!!
Super Brain kicked in, love
when it does that (most of the time…), and being the eternal optimist I am (and
probably a LOT of help from the Holy Spirit) all of my struggles started
turning into blessing!! Perspective is
everything.
This has been a difficult
season of my life. It seems like a never
ending cycle of getting knocked down and getting back up only to get knocked
down again. And that’s not a pity party,
it’s just life! But…it’s a time of
abundance. I am loved so much that Jesus
came to earth knowing he would
suffer, be persecuted and crucified!! If
God was willing to give his only Son for me, even though I don’t deserve it,
then He must be giving me struggles for a reason too, right?
Perspective is
everything. When I looked at that woman
in the mirror, she is confused, a bit sad, but determined!! She is on fire!! I was promised I would be
baptized with the Holy Spirit and fire, remember? And, I mean seriously…how can one think that
being baptized with fire is in any way easy??
Of course it’s going to be difficult!
But when a potter takes an ugly lump of clay and works it into a vase,
it’s really just turned into ugly clay with a shape. It’s not until that piece of ugly clay is put
into a kiln; and through the firing process becomes beautiful.
My blessings are in my struggles! Yes I have been knocked down, and every time
I get back up; not because of my own strength but because my path has brought
me to a place that I know my feet will fail!
It is only by the grace of God that I have made it through. He has carried me when I couldn’t take
another step forward. He has showed me
that even though I am a sinner and I am not deserving of His love; He finds
pleasure in giving it to me anyway! O
God, how great you are!
Through some of the most
difficult times in my life, to date, I have leaned into Him. My spirit has been renewed; the Holy Spirit
is firing it. It’s exciting and a little
scary at the same time because it’s stirred up that four-year-old little girl’s
determination to share the love of Jesus Christ. And quite frankly, I don’t really want
anymore black eyes. Maybe I need to
tweak my delivery some? But really, all
I want to do is run around and give everyone I see in pain a big hug and tell
them JESUS is the answer!! All that fear
and pain you carry, He wants you to give it to Him! Let Him carry your burdens so you can be
filled by his over abundant love and peace.
He will give you rest and all you have to do is call out to Him.
It really is just that
simple. But I know how difficult it is,
there have been dark days where all my hope is gone. There have been days where all I could do was
say “Jesus, I can’t do this anymore”…and then…there He is, right next to me,
lifting me up in his loving arms, bringing me comfort only the Father can.
This is why I sing praise to
Him. This is why I say, “God, you are
worthy!!” because I know I am not. I
don’t deserve his love, I can’t do enough to earn his love, but He loves me
with no limits, I don’t have to earn
it, He gives it to me and wants me to receive it! For that, I am so grateful. For that, I want to be his hands and
feet. I want everything I do to bring
glory to Him.
Thank you, Father, for loving
me even when I’m an unappreciative brat!
Forgive me when I feel I am owed your blessings, because I know if I got
what I deserved some days I would come up empty and lost. Let your love and grace pour over me so I may
pour it out to others. Help my delivery
be one that is humble and only gives glory to You. Amen.
