Starting over is not a new thing for me. I have moved across country twice, remarried once, have three children. Each situation has required me to re-learn and adjust to my new environment and how I deal with things. My most recent "starting over" was getting back into the workforce. After an almost 14 year hiatus, in April of 2013 I started working again. Small office, completely flexible to my desire to remain being Mom first, it was perfect! At first, I was self-conscious and unsure of my abilities. However, much like riding a bike, I found the wheels beneath me and enjoyed the ride.
Today I was reminded that God listens to everything, and sometimes answers the things you did not mean for him to answer. Due to circumstances at the office, I was able to take some time off. Although I'd only been working four months, I realized I had missed being able to be home and do whatever struck my fancy. So the break was a welcome one. When it was time to go back, Mav said he was kind of bummed because he liked having me home. Heart strings tugged and I considered asking for another couple of weeks, at least until school started up again. In true God form, today I was told that the position I held was sort of undefined at the moment. The dynamics of the office had changed a bit, and what I was once needed for, I am now not. Instead of making my boss uncomfortable, I told him that I had actually already considered requesting another couple of weeks off, and we agreed that would work well for both of us. They need someone in marketing, something I know little about. I am going to take some time figuring out if and how I might serve in that position, while the company defines that position and we reconvene to see if it is a fit. Doors and windows.
Starting over, take 426. Now what. At 20something, starting over was fun! 30something, a fun challenge. At 40something?? It's...odd. See, at 40something your older, wiser. While I could do anything, I do not desire to just do anything. I could, and probably will, just suck it up and do something, just like the majority of people.
Side note to young people: Go.to.college!!! Don't take a semester off, start and finish. Are there people that do just fine with no college degree? Yes. But oh how I wish I had a degree on my resume! I know what I can do, what I'm capable of and if I get my foot in the door I can sell it! But potential employers might just pass me by because, let's face it; I am a 42 (yes, that's my true age), "un-educated" woman that has not worked in 14 years! Heck, one of the guys I worked with knew what WordPerfect 5.1 was...because he played on it when he was 4. *Insert the "I feel old" look here*.
One thing my boss said to me was that he liked me, my personality, my bubbles. I laughed. How long have I tried to figure out how to market those things?? How on Earth can I make a living on my wit, sarcasm and bubbles?!! I have yet to figure that out. Seriously, if I had a penny for every time my sarcasm kicked in I would be very rich. Alas, there is no market that I have found for my special brand of "Stephanie".
For a moment, and a very short one at that, I considered trying to be a Life Coach. I hear about those all the time, and I really think I could do that well! I mean, my husband can vouch for me, I can tell him what he is doing wrong and how to do it better as he hears it all.the.time!! The downside to Life Coach is I am not sure people would pay much for a Life Coach that tells them to just top being an idiot. Stop hoping life gets better and Make it better. I think I would be more of a P90X Life Coach that kicks your ass and makes you throw up. But you'd be ripped after!!
Yeah, so, here I am. Not unhappy in the least, but definitely displaced and looking for that window. God will show me in good time, I have faith.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Friday, June 8, 2012
Lucky Enough
A friend told me, "If you're lucky enough to live on the lake, you're lucky enough". How true I am finding that be. Though, honestly, I think being blessed is more accurate. Nothing in my life has happen by chance. My life has purpose, direction, all by the grace of God.
Rewind to a year ago. There was a different dream, we wanted to own a home. Better schools, not paying someone else to live in "their" home. We wanted something we could call our own. A dream began, and it was an exciting time. Following steps that were laid before us, we started to build the home of our dreams. It was a tall order, very exact. Must be near good schools, nice neighborhood, the ability to accommodate six kids when needed, a nice kitchen...It all fell into place, and a journey began.
Now, in the event you have never built a home, it is no small task. Two people, two different visions, it's...interesting. "If you can get through building a house together, you can get through anything", my mother said. At times, I was sure at least one of us would get through...but bets were on who would make it out alive. I learned patience, or better, how to have more of it. However, I am pretty sure MJ would scoff at that, but he's not here to confirm or deny that...thankfully. We did a LOT of compromising, this for that. How important is this to you? Is it worth giving up that? It was a long process, but we got through it.
Everything was moving along just fine...until. To some, it would seem like no big deal, but, we are not "some", more specifically, I am not "some". I am me, and there are things I do not budge on. Our journey came to an abrupt halt when the stone on the front of the house we were building, did not match the vision I had. At first, I mulled it over, tried to look past the "minor" difference. But then, I began to realize, it was not a minor difference. It was a HUGE difference, and darn it, I didn't like it. So I prayed.
Judges, chapters 6-8, tells the story of Gideon and the fleece. It is one of my favorite stories, you should read it. I am not big on asking God to prove Himself to me, but there are times when I need Him to be clear. I need a sign, something that is not questionable. This "dream home" was seeming to crumble, or, my anxiety was getting the best of me, and the change was too much. I was unsure if I was being irrational and unreasonable, or if I was being shown that there was another path we now needed to take. So, I laid my fleece upon the floor, and asked God for my answer.
The answer I was given was to walk away from this dream. At the time, it was also to walk away from any monies we had put down to secure said dream, which was absolutely the hardest thing for me to do. But when you ask God for a specific direction, and He shows you, don't question it. So, with my faith in hand, MJ and I canceled the contract on the "American Dream". As a side note, they gave use back our earnest money IN FULL...after a bit of persuasion from me...Pure will and determination, when I has it, look out!
One of the main reasons for the move, actually the reason for the move, was to get the boys into better schools. School was out in two months, summer on the way, and we were back to square one. Oh.joy. I madly searched for homes, cursed myself for throwing away all the information about which schools were "the best", and began to slowly panic. The up side to going through all of this, was that MJ and I are now, relatively quick on coming together in our thoughts. Rent or buy? Considering the time crunch, and our pickiness about a home, we decided to rent. With that comes it own set of challenges. Good schools, or what I deem good, are in expensive parts of town...and expensive parts of town have high rent. And high rent on a medium budget, sometimes don't jive. More praying.
MJ was sitting in bed, "Hey Baby, what about this"? It was a four bedroom, two bath home for rent, in our budget, near Lake Travis. It was an ad on Craigslist, a week old no less, and I though, yeah right. It's either gone, or a scam. For kicks, I told MJ to call the number, which he did, and left a message. I expected nothing, no, I expected to never hear back from anyone. A week or so later, MJ got a call! Someone had already shown interest...but it fell through, were we still interested? Still not getting my hopes up, we headed out to give the place a look.
Sometimes, what you want and what you need aren't the same thing. When I compare this house to our "dream", it's no comparison. But, as I type this out on the deck, looking at the lake, hearing the birds sing, and the boats having some morning fun, I can't help but think "Life is good". The endless boxes have been whittled down to several...the kitchen is stuffed to overflowing. I am still looking for the darn sheets for Maverick's bed!!! But in the last week, we've pulled together and created a home. We've had friends over more in this week than we did in the 3 years at the other house. And did I mention the lake?? There is a dock we have access to, and now that we've figured out we can DRIVE down instead of walk...I've heard owls, seen scrub jays and humming birds. A deer wandered by in the early morning as I sat on the deck. We have target practice daily, which the boys love. You can see the stars at night, the storms roll in and the breeze is constant.
"If you're lucky enough to live on the lake, you're lucky enough". I am not lucky, I am blessed. God has a plan, and when I let Him, things just fall into place. It may not be perfect, but what is perfect? Home is where the heart is, and I can say with confidence, all of our hearts are here. If the boys have said it once, they've said it a million times, "I like our new home". And if you have an 11 year old boy, you know how precious those words are. I have finally found a place to relax, I laugh at how slow I drive now. I enjoy going to the store because I cross the bridge below the dam in route. It's a sight that hasn't gotten old. People fly by me, rushing to get wherever it is they need to go, and I think "But you're here...why rush"?
This feels like home. I've not felt at home for five years, I was always waiting for what was next. This is what is next, and I intend to enjoy every second of it. My most pressing moment is what time we should head down to the dock, how is going to come out, do I have enough sun screen? This is where I needed to be. A place to have my family, to enjoy our time together. To have a place friends can come and relax, bbq, drink a beer or three. Let the kids roam free without worry. This is how life should be, anywhere, not just on the lake. But, MAN, does the lake make it better!!
Rewind to a year ago. There was a different dream, we wanted to own a home. Better schools, not paying someone else to live in "their" home. We wanted something we could call our own. A dream began, and it was an exciting time. Following steps that were laid before us, we started to build the home of our dreams. It was a tall order, very exact. Must be near good schools, nice neighborhood, the ability to accommodate six kids when needed, a nice kitchen...It all fell into place, and a journey began.
Now, in the event you have never built a home, it is no small task. Two people, two different visions, it's...interesting. "If you can get through building a house together, you can get through anything", my mother said. At times, I was sure at least one of us would get through...but bets were on who would make it out alive. I learned patience, or better, how to have more of it. However, I am pretty sure MJ would scoff at that, but he's not here to confirm or deny that...thankfully. We did a LOT of compromising, this for that. How important is this to you? Is it worth giving up that? It was a long process, but we got through it.
Everything was moving along just fine...until. To some, it would seem like no big deal, but, we are not "some", more specifically, I am not "some". I am me, and there are things I do not budge on. Our journey came to an abrupt halt when the stone on the front of the house we were building, did not match the vision I had. At first, I mulled it over, tried to look past the "minor" difference. But then, I began to realize, it was not a minor difference. It was a HUGE difference, and darn it, I didn't like it. So I prayed.
Judges, chapters 6-8, tells the story of Gideon and the fleece. It is one of my favorite stories, you should read it. I am not big on asking God to prove Himself to me, but there are times when I need Him to be clear. I need a sign, something that is not questionable. This "dream home" was seeming to crumble, or, my anxiety was getting the best of me, and the change was too much. I was unsure if I was being irrational and unreasonable, or if I was being shown that there was another path we now needed to take. So, I laid my fleece upon the floor, and asked God for my answer.
The answer I was given was to walk away from this dream. At the time, it was also to walk away from any monies we had put down to secure said dream, which was absolutely the hardest thing for me to do. But when you ask God for a specific direction, and He shows you, don't question it. So, with my faith in hand, MJ and I canceled the contract on the "American Dream". As a side note, they gave use back our earnest money IN FULL...after a bit of persuasion from me...Pure will and determination, when I has it, look out!
One of the main reasons for the move, actually the reason for the move, was to get the boys into better schools. School was out in two months, summer on the way, and we were back to square one. Oh.joy. I madly searched for homes, cursed myself for throwing away all the information about which schools were "the best", and began to slowly panic. The up side to going through all of this, was that MJ and I are now, relatively quick on coming together in our thoughts. Rent or buy? Considering the time crunch, and our pickiness about a home, we decided to rent. With that comes it own set of challenges. Good schools, or what I deem good, are in expensive parts of town...and expensive parts of town have high rent. And high rent on a medium budget, sometimes don't jive. More praying.
MJ was sitting in bed, "Hey Baby, what about this"? It was a four bedroom, two bath home for rent, in our budget, near Lake Travis. It was an ad on Craigslist, a week old no less, and I though, yeah right. It's either gone, or a scam. For kicks, I told MJ to call the number, which he did, and left a message. I expected nothing, no, I expected to never hear back from anyone. A week or so later, MJ got a call! Someone had already shown interest...but it fell through, were we still interested? Still not getting my hopes up, we headed out to give the place a look.
Sometimes, what you want and what you need aren't the same thing. When I compare this house to our "dream", it's no comparison. But, as I type this out on the deck, looking at the lake, hearing the birds sing, and the boats having some morning fun, I can't help but think "Life is good". The endless boxes have been whittled down to several...the kitchen is stuffed to overflowing. I am still looking for the darn sheets for Maverick's bed!!! But in the last week, we've pulled together and created a home. We've had friends over more in this week than we did in the 3 years at the other house. And did I mention the lake?? There is a dock we have access to, and now that we've figured out we can DRIVE down instead of walk...I've heard owls, seen scrub jays and humming birds. A deer wandered by in the early morning as I sat on the deck. We have target practice daily, which the boys love. You can see the stars at night, the storms roll in and the breeze is constant.
"If you're lucky enough to live on the lake, you're lucky enough". I am not lucky, I am blessed. God has a plan, and when I let Him, things just fall into place. It may not be perfect, but what is perfect? Home is where the heart is, and I can say with confidence, all of our hearts are here. If the boys have said it once, they've said it a million times, "I like our new home". And if you have an 11 year old boy, you know how precious those words are. I have finally found a place to relax, I laugh at how slow I drive now. I enjoy going to the store because I cross the bridge below the dam in route. It's a sight that hasn't gotten old. People fly by me, rushing to get wherever it is they need to go, and I think "But you're here...why rush"?
This feels like home. I've not felt at home for five years, I was always waiting for what was next. This is what is next, and I intend to enjoy every second of it. My most pressing moment is what time we should head down to the dock, how is going to come out, do I have enough sun screen? This is where I needed to be. A place to have my family, to enjoy our time together. To have a place friends can come and relax, bbq, drink a beer or three. Let the kids roam free without worry. This is how life should be, anywhere, not just on the lake. But, MAN, does the lake make it better!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Who Needs a Real Life When We Have FaceBook??
It is a new phenomenon, peoples worlds are changed when FaceBook revamps its' format. I had to sit and laugh the last couple of days at all the bitching and moaning going on. I mean, really, it's FB people. It changed, big deal, move.on.
Then, I found myself irrationally upset that I kept getting notifications for two certain friends. It's not that I don't care, but really, 14 notifications because SoandSo went there with someone I don't know, or care to know? 14?? Last week, if I cared, I could scroll down the news feeds and see who was doing/thinking what. If I was really interested in what someone was doing, I could go to their page. Back in the day, getting a little "2" above the notification button was exciting!! Now, it has lost it's thrill, it makes me sad (and annoyed). I have unchecked, unsubscribed and all but blocked/unfriended these people. And I swear to Maude that if I get another notification, because I don't know how to opt out of that, I'll SCREAM.
Now, you make me look at some little scrolling dealy on the right to see status updates, but you still show me status updates in the middle but they seem to be limited to the lamest things on the planet. Of course in the little scrolling dealy, I now know that SoandSo posted to her bff's comment about having a bad day. It is more information that I need, and NONE that I actually want.
There is probably some simple solution to this, but it is beyond me. There are more list in more categories. I'm surprised that they haven't separated my friends into Jocks, Stoners, Fakers and Hippies (now that, I could get behind). But they put some people in a "Close Friends" list and it made me laugh. Dude, I haven't talked to her in y.e.a.r.s we are not close. Somewhere, it did ask me who was in my family, ADD+, how many of you wished you could do that in real life?? "You're in the family, you're in the family, opps, sorry, you didn't make the cut. Try harder and well see next week".
The security aspect I haven't even thought about, because, well, I haven't gotten that far in the process. I'm sure something has changed, because when FB re-formats, all our laundry seems to be made public. There isn't a lot I put "out there" that I want kept secret. Seriously, if you type it into the securest secure place on the internets, it's still on the internets. But I do have pictures of my kids, and I sometimes get caught up in the "some weirdo is going to copy and paste your kids picture and do weird things with it". That kinda freaks me out, because of course, as a mom, I start thinking, "Well, what if they decide that's just the most adorable child they have ever seen and go to his school and nab him"??! Lucky for me, I'm pretty sure they would immediately return Mav and William...Austin might be kept longer until they realize he's not going to do a.thing. unless they have Xbox, or there is money involved.
Just about the time we all get our feathers smoothed and are lovin' the FB again, they'll change something. ~sigh~ Apparently they missed the memo about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". It was such a simple concept when it started, a perfect concept even. Why try to improve on perfect?? But like I told a fb friend, next week (though it might take a month since so much changed) we won't even remember what it changed from and it will just be "normal" fb again. ~meh~ We gotta have something to bitch about though, and if it really is the fb format that is our biggest bitch of the day, life is pretty darn good!
Then, I found myself irrationally upset that I kept getting notifications for two certain friends. It's not that I don't care, but really, 14 notifications because SoandSo went there with someone I don't know, or care to know? 14?? Last week, if I cared, I could scroll down the news feeds and see who was doing/thinking what. If I was really interested in what someone was doing, I could go to their page. Back in the day, getting a little "2" above the notification button was exciting!! Now, it has lost it's thrill, it makes me sad (and annoyed). I have unchecked, unsubscribed and all but blocked/unfriended these people. And I swear to Maude that if I get another notification, because I don't know how to opt out of that, I'll SCREAM.
Now, you make me look at some little scrolling dealy on the right to see status updates, but you still show me status updates in the middle but they seem to be limited to the lamest things on the planet. Of course in the little scrolling dealy, I now know that SoandSo posted to her bff's comment about having a bad day. It is more information that I need, and NONE that I actually want.
There is probably some simple solution to this, but it is beyond me. There are more list in more categories. I'm surprised that they haven't separated my friends into Jocks, Stoners, Fakers and Hippies (now that, I could get behind). But they put some people in a "Close Friends" list and it made me laugh. Dude, I haven't talked to her in y.e.a.r.s we are not close. Somewhere, it did ask me who was in my family, ADD+, how many of you wished you could do that in real life?? "You're in the family, you're in the family, opps, sorry, you didn't make the cut. Try harder and well see next week".
The security aspect I haven't even thought about, because, well, I haven't gotten that far in the process. I'm sure something has changed, because when FB re-formats, all our laundry seems to be made public. There isn't a lot I put "out there" that I want kept secret. Seriously, if you type it into the securest secure place on the internets, it's still on the internets. But I do have pictures of my kids, and I sometimes get caught up in the "some weirdo is going to copy and paste your kids picture and do weird things with it". That kinda freaks me out, because of course, as a mom, I start thinking, "Well, what if they decide that's just the most adorable child they have ever seen and go to his school and nab him"??! Lucky for me, I'm pretty sure they would immediately return Mav and William...Austin might be kept longer until they realize he's not going to do a.thing. unless they have Xbox, or there is money involved.
Just about the time we all get our feathers smoothed and are lovin' the FB again, they'll change something. ~sigh~ Apparently they missed the memo about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". It was such a simple concept when it started, a perfect concept even. Why try to improve on perfect?? But like I told a fb friend, next week (though it might take a month since so much changed) we won't even remember what it changed from and it will just be "normal" fb again. ~meh~ We gotta have something to bitch about though, and if it really is the fb format that is our biggest bitch of the day, life is pretty darn good!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Deep and Dark
When I started this feeble blog months ago, a friend suggested I write about "real" stuff. I had grand plans for this blog, alas, it's simple my humble little place to share some thoughts with the few that read this. For my friend, this is going to be about "real" stuff. Deep dark stuff you don't really air to the world...But you know, maybe one of my readers will read this and know someone that needs to read it, for whatever reason. Or...it's just my therapy for today, to purge thoughts that have become trapped in my head and I wish for them to leave. So, I'm leaving them here.
For the life of me, I'm not sure why these old thoughts have crept back into my head. Memories. Memories I wish I didn't have, of pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Ok, secretly I've wished this exact thing to happen to a couple of people, but then I take it back. Really, no one should have to endure this. It's two memories, the first is worse than the second, but they both still sucked rocks. I remember exactly where these events took place, (one in a driveway, one on a porch), I remember the sick, numb feeling and then the devastation. My world was turned upside down, shattered, everything that was...was no longer. I curled into a fetal position and sobbed, praying to God to take away the agony, to make it stop! It didn't stop, it came in waves, washing over me, and crushing me into the ground.
If I looked at a calendar, and a football schedule (lol), I could tell you the exact date my ex-husband told me of his affair. We were in the driveway, had just left my oldest son with my mother, and I was a few weeks pregnant with my second child. He turned off the car, sat there for a second, then looked at me. I remember the look on his face, it was blank, numb looking. I was looking him right in the eye when he told me he had an affair. I'm pretty sure I said "Do what??", because, really, he did not just tell me he'd had an affair. So, he said it again. Damn. I'd heard right the first time. I then asked why he was telling me this. Seriously, out of the blue, left field, nowhere, I was smashed in the face. Don't husbands usually try to hide this shit?? That's what I always thought they did. Deny, hide, cover up. But never divulge the information in the driveway, on a Sunday night! WTF??
To be perfectly honest, I am not sure what happen between me being in the car and me being curled up in the upstairs bathroom sobbing. I didn't scream, or get angry at all, I saved that for later. All I could think to do was go somewhere small and dark to cry, and pray. There wasn't much conversation that night...there really isn't anything to say. Sorry? Um, that's not even close. I'm not big on sorry anyway...but that's another story. All I wanted to do was to be alone. It's what I do when I'm hurt, I just want to crawl into a cave and hide. I guess God listened to my prayers, because right when I thought I couldn't take the pain much more, it would subside. Then start over.
As I sat in my small dark place, I remember going over the last two years of my life (which was how long the affair lasted) and finding every moment, every memory, now empty. Anything that had brought joy to my life, was now rendered meaningless. When I looked forward, I saw nothing. When the sobbing would stop, I was filled with a feeling of absolutely nothing. Completely void of everything. I am not sure which was worse, the sobbing, or the void.
There is one thing I wish I could do. Well, there are several things I wish I could do...but one thing I've always thought would come in handy. I wish I could get angry. Don't get me wrong, I can and do get angry, just ask Austin at homework time. But when faced with something that will "hurt my feelers", I can't go right to that defense mechanism, anger, and cover up the hurt. Or at least push the hurt back far enough to so I can deal with it in spurts, maybe? Nope, I gotta deal with all of it, right up front. ~sigh~
So let's fast forward a bit. Still married to the ex, "survived" the affair, had two more children, then, guess what. You know that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."? Well, that's how my first marriage ended. Shame on me. I found out about this one because, well, I'm nosey. (paranoid) I just happen to pick up the ex's cell phone and...browse. I think he was caught a bit off guard when I opened the shower door and asked "Who the F is this?".
This time around, I was prepared, if one can ever actually be prepared for something like this. Out. You must, go now. I think the difference was that it wasn't just me that I had to take care of, I had three boys. There was no question about "saving the marriage", really, twice?? Looking back, I think I would have liked to do things a little different. My entire world was ripped apart, and my little boys were right there with me. It was a blur the first six months, I kept my head above water only because I had to. This time I couldn't curl up into the fetal position because I had three little boys that needed me to be ok.
I often find myself wondering if people really get what an affair does to a person. With the first affair, I was only told because some old neighbors said to the ex "you tell or we tell". I am, and will forever be, perplexed at this notion. Did the neighbors truly understand the devastation and long term pain they were, in effect, causing?? I also wonder what the other "women" (and I use that term loosely here) thought. Did it ever occur to them, while my ex was lying to me, that he was lying to them also?? It kind of seems like a logical leap, no? I know my ex didn't understand the devastation I went through (until recently). Why didn't he just leave, that would have sucked too, but at least I would have some ounce of dignity left...maybe.
There is no way for a woman to ever not feel it was her fault her partner had an affair. No way. If there is a way, please email it to me. It is a strange voice that is left inside your head, forever after. There are unwelcome times that I catch myself in the mirror and compare myself to "her" (it's usually the second her because she was the "up-graded" newer 1987 model). It pisses me right off because I like who I am, and where I am, I even think I don't look too shabby for a 1971 model!! I'm a classic baby!
It has been over four years, maybe even five, and I can still call up that exact feeling. I have forgiven...mostly...and I constantly pray to forget. It's the strangest little things that will bring that feeling back up to the surface. Stupid little things, that others might not even notice. But for me, they are devastating. For a second, which is too long in my opinion, I feel hopeless and lost, and unsure of me. On some occasions, I have to write in my journal, or blog, to get out of my own head and remember where I am now.
My life has turned into what I want it to be, and I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to pursue that life. I consider the affairs and divorce life's way of giving me the kick in the pants I needed. We, I, should have had the courage to end that marriage sooner. Life is so precious, and so many years were waisted being unhappy, but "sticking it out". There is no anger left, maybe a little hurt now and again. But I have so much more to be thankful for, and that pulls me through the random days of remembering. It is something that did not kill me, but made me stronger.
For the life of me, I'm not sure why these old thoughts have crept back into my head. Memories. Memories I wish I didn't have, of pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Ok, secretly I've wished this exact thing to happen to a couple of people, but then I take it back. Really, no one should have to endure this. It's two memories, the first is worse than the second, but they both still sucked rocks. I remember exactly where these events took place, (one in a driveway, one on a porch), I remember the sick, numb feeling and then the devastation. My world was turned upside down, shattered, everything that was...was no longer. I curled into a fetal position and sobbed, praying to God to take away the agony, to make it stop! It didn't stop, it came in waves, washing over me, and crushing me into the ground.
If I looked at a calendar, and a football schedule (lol), I could tell you the exact date my ex-husband told me of his affair. We were in the driveway, had just left my oldest son with my mother, and I was a few weeks pregnant with my second child. He turned off the car, sat there for a second, then looked at me. I remember the look on his face, it was blank, numb looking. I was looking him right in the eye when he told me he had an affair. I'm pretty sure I said "Do what??", because, really, he did not just tell me he'd had an affair. So, he said it again. Damn. I'd heard right the first time. I then asked why he was telling me this. Seriously, out of the blue, left field, nowhere, I was smashed in the face. Don't husbands usually try to hide this shit?? That's what I always thought they did. Deny, hide, cover up. But never divulge the information in the driveway, on a Sunday night! WTF??
To be perfectly honest, I am not sure what happen between me being in the car and me being curled up in the upstairs bathroom sobbing. I didn't scream, or get angry at all, I saved that for later. All I could think to do was go somewhere small and dark to cry, and pray. There wasn't much conversation that night...there really isn't anything to say. Sorry? Um, that's not even close. I'm not big on sorry anyway...but that's another story. All I wanted to do was to be alone. It's what I do when I'm hurt, I just want to crawl into a cave and hide. I guess God listened to my prayers, because right when I thought I couldn't take the pain much more, it would subside. Then start over.
As I sat in my small dark place, I remember going over the last two years of my life (which was how long the affair lasted) and finding every moment, every memory, now empty. Anything that had brought joy to my life, was now rendered meaningless. When I looked forward, I saw nothing. When the sobbing would stop, I was filled with a feeling of absolutely nothing. Completely void of everything. I am not sure which was worse, the sobbing, or the void.
There is one thing I wish I could do. Well, there are several things I wish I could do...but one thing I've always thought would come in handy. I wish I could get angry. Don't get me wrong, I can and do get angry, just ask Austin at homework time. But when faced with something that will "hurt my feelers", I can't go right to that defense mechanism, anger, and cover up the hurt. Or at least push the hurt back far enough to so I can deal with it in spurts, maybe? Nope, I gotta deal with all of it, right up front. ~sigh~
So let's fast forward a bit. Still married to the ex, "survived" the affair, had two more children, then, guess what. You know that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."? Well, that's how my first marriage ended. Shame on me. I found out about this one because, well, I'm nosey. (paranoid) I just happen to pick up the ex's cell phone and...browse. I think he was caught a bit off guard when I opened the shower door and asked "Who the F is this?".
This time around, I was prepared, if one can ever actually be prepared for something like this. Out. You must, go now. I think the difference was that it wasn't just me that I had to take care of, I had three boys. There was no question about "saving the marriage", really, twice?? Looking back, I think I would have liked to do things a little different. My entire world was ripped apart, and my little boys were right there with me. It was a blur the first six months, I kept my head above water only because I had to. This time I couldn't curl up into the fetal position because I had three little boys that needed me to be ok.
I often find myself wondering if people really get what an affair does to a person. With the first affair, I was only told because some old neighbors said to the ex "you tell or we tell". I am, and will forever be, perplexed at this notion. Did the neighbors truly understand the devastation and long term pain they were, in effect, causing?? I also wonder what the other "women" (and I use that term loosely here) thought. Did it ever occur to them, while my ex was lying to me, that he was lying to them also?? It kind of seems like a logical leap, no? I know my ex didn't understand the devastation I went through (until recently). Why didn't he just leave, that would have sucked too, but at least I would have some ounce of dignity left...maybe.
There is no way for a woman to ever not feel it was her fault her partner had an affair. No way. If there is a way, please email it to me. It is a strange voice that is left inside your head, forever after. There are unwelcome times that I catch myself in the mirror and compare myself to "her" (it's usually the second her because she was the "up-graded" newer 1987 model). It pisses me right off because I like who I am, and where I am, I even think I don't look too shabby for a 1971 model!! I'm a classic baby!
It has been over four years, maybe even five, and I can still call up that exact feeling. I have forgiven...mostly...and I constantly pray to forget. It's the strangest little things that will bring that feeling back up to the surface. Stupid little things, that others might not even notice. But for me, they are devastating. For a second, which is too long in my opinion, I feel hopeless and lost, and unsure of me. On some occasions, I have to write in my journal, or blog, to get out of my own head and remember where I am now.
My life has turned into what I want it to be, and I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to pursue that life. I consider the affairs and divorce life's way of giving me the kick in the pants I needed. We, I, should have had the courage to end that marriage sooner. Life is so precious, and so many years were waisted being unhappy, but "sticking it out". There is no anger left, maybe a little hurt now and again. But I have so much more to be thankful for, and that pulls me through the random days of remembering. It is something that did not kill me, but made me stronger.
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