Pulling Weeds

There was not much unusual about this morning.  There was the fragrant smell of rain that washed over me as I stepped outside, into the darkness.  This is My time, my Me time, no sun, no one needing my attention...well, Loki, my cat, he needed to remind me he could see the bottom of his food bowl...

My morning routine is almost the same as it’s been for a few years, I like routine where I can make it hold.  One thing has changed, one change I really cherish.  One change that I can’t seem to remember when it took root.  One change that pulled my first focus from social media, email, unread text messages, to a place that lays the foundation for my day.  One changed that pulled my eyes off what lay in front of me and pointed them up.  To Him.

Seven years ago, I lamented being awake before the sun.  Today, I can hardly wait to awake with the Son.  Where it began as I time to find peace in my life, it has now become War Time.  I sit in my War Porch (it’s kind of a room), my War is too big for a closet.  I light my candle, I gaze at the last picture I had taken with my dear grandmother, I open my War Room Playlist and begin my battle.

Time flies by, it was 7:45AM before I realized.  Funny though, I was at a good stopping point.  Though, honestly, it’s not funny, it’s timed.  Perfectly.  A client was arriving at 8:00AM to drop off her beloved Cuervo.  I wanted to avoid her knocking and sounding the alarm for the other three dogs in my care.  So, outside I went, into the stifling humidity that is August in Central Texas.

On the way out, I grabbed my gardening gloves.  Another unexpected change, I like pulling weeds now.  However, I found a reason to be thankful for the sweltering Texas heat.  It keeps the weeds down!!  I ended up watering my poor “drought resistant”, withered plants.  Lopped down some overgrown bushes that were impeding my weather station and view at the end of the driveway.  Cuervo arrived, my client thanking me again for helping her out...which, I always find weird.  Thank YOU for giving me a job!!  And a job a love more than I ever thought I would.  (Which reminds me...all his stuff is still sitting at the front door...waiting to be brought inside...I’ll be right back).

Ok, where was I?  Oh yeah, so, she thanked me, I thanked her.  Cuervo and I waved good bye and headed to the back yard.  This is where it gets weird, in my world at least.  Thwarted by the lack of weeds in the front, gloves still on, I decided, no, I was Drawn, to start pulling up weeds in my garden.  Why is this weird, you ask?  Because it’s hot, from the little I’d already done outside I was literally dripping with sweat, and because it’s hot.  What started as a small vision, pulling up the few weeds in my now brown garden, soon turned into clearing the 8x8 patch of weeds in front of my garden.

Now, it should be mentioned, that in my morning time with God, I am reading “Discerning the Voice of God” by Priscilla Shirer.  In tandem with “FerVent” also by Priscilla Shirer (which until this VERY second I did not realize...DOH).  Anyway, even thought that’s totally cool, my focus is honed in on two things:  1.)  Hearing and following the voice of God; 2.) Battling my true enemy.

So, here I sit, in the dirt, wondering why the heck I’m not going inside??  It’s HOT, if I haven’t mentioned that already...It’s hot, I keep flinging dirt on myself (this is Not my favorite thing to do), I keep having to shake out my shoes because there is dirt in them too!!  GAH!!  But I keep on pulling weeds.

Then, He hits me.  Go.To.WAR. “ You’re on your knees, you’re pulling up weeds by their roots”.  Symbolic much??  Every weed become my enemy.  My gloved hands the tools of the Spirit of God.  I begin to dig around the weed, give it a name of the enemy that is surrounding me and my family today.  And in the name of my Almighty God, I YANK that sucker right out of the round and throw it in the bucket.  “You have NO place here anymore”!!  My declaration.  Some, are my sins.  “Forgive me, Heavenly Father.  Thank you for the blood of your Son that was poured out over my weeds”.

Another thought came to me...my grandmother spent hours, probably thousands of hours, in her yard.  Pulling weeds.  I can only hope to become the Mighty Warrior she is.  Without doubt, she pulled those weeds, worked in her yard, and talked to God the whole time.  And here I was, finding myself in the position I found her so often, working in my yard, talking to God.

As I stood, back aching, not a dry piece of clothing on my body, dumping the fourth or fifth bucket of weeds with one last “You are not welcome here” for good measure, I looked at the weedless dirt before me.  “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me”.  -Psalms 51:10

There are more weeds to pull.  More wars to be waged.  Thank you, Father, for giving me the strength, the determination, the focus, the will, to seek YOU in everything I do.  Enemy, be on alert, I see you.  I know who you are.  Your weeds are no longer welcome in my life.  The war has only just begun.

Displaced 40something

Starting over is not a new thing for me.  I have moved across country twice, remarried once, have three children.  Each situation has required me to re-learn and adjust to my new environment and how I deal with things.  My most recent "starting over" was getting back into the workforce.  After an almost 14 year hiatus, in April of 2013 I started working again.  Small office, completely flexible to my desire to remain being Mom first, it was perfect!  At first, I was self-conscious and unsure of my abilities.  However, much like riding a bike, I found the wheels beneath me and enjoyed the ride.

Today I was reminded that God listens to everything, and sometimes answers the things you did not mean for him to answer.  Due to circumstances at the office, I was able to take some time off.  Although I'd only been working four months, I realized I had missed being able to be home and do whatever struck my fancy.  So the break was a welcome one.  When it was time to go back, Mav said he was kind of bummed because he liked having me home.  Heart strings tugged and I considered asking for another couple of weeks, at least until school started up again.  In true God form, today I was told that the position I held was sort of undefined at the moment.  The dynamics of the office had changed a bit, and what I was once needed for, I am now not.  Instead of making my boss uncomfortable, I told him that I had actually already considered requesting another couple of weeks off, and we agreed that would work well for both of us.  They need someone in marketing, something I know little about.  I am going to take some time figuring out if and how I might serve in that position, while the company defines that position and we reconvene to see if it is a fit.  Doors and windows.

Starting over, take 426.  Now what.  At 20something, starting over was fun!  30something, a fun challenge.  At 40something??  It's...odd.  See, at 40something your older, wiser.  While I could do anything, I do not desire to just do anything.  I could, and probably will, just suck it up and do something, just like the majority of people.

Side note to young people:  Go.to.college!!!  Don't take a semester off, start and finish.  Are there people that do just fine with no college degree?  Yes.  But oh how I wish I had a degree on my resume!  I know what I can do, what I'm capable of and if I get my foot in the door I can sell it!  But potential employers might just pass me by because, let's face it;  I am a 42 (yes, that's my true age), "un-educated" woman that has not worked in 14 years!  Heck, one of the guys I worked with knew what WordPerfect 5.1 was...because he played on it when he was 4.  *Insert the "I feel old" look here*.

One thing my boss said to me was that he liked me, my personality, my bubbles.  I laughed.  How long have I tried to figure out how to market those things??  How on Earth can I make a living on my wit, sarcasm and bubbles?!!  I have yet to figure that out.  Seriously, if I had a penny for every time my sarcasm kicked in I would be very rich.  Alas, there is no market that I have found for my special brand of "Stephanie".

For a moment, and a very short one at that, I considered trying to be a Life Coach.  I hear about those all the time, and I really think I could do that well!  I mean, my husband can vouch for me, I can tell him what he is doing wrong and how to do it better as he hears it all.the.time!!  The downside to Life Coach is I am not sure people would pay much for a Life Coach that tells them to just top being an idiot.  Stop hoping life gets better and Make it better.  I think I would be more of a P90X Life Coach that kicks your ass and makes you throw up.  But you'd be ripped after!!

Yeah, so, here I am.  Not unhappy in the least, but definitely displaced and looking for that window.  God will show me in good time, I have faith.

Lucky Enough

A friend told me, "If you're lucky enough to live on the lake, you're lucky enough".  How true I am finding that be.  Though, honestly, I think being blessed is more accurate.  Nothing in my life has happen by chance.  My life has purpose, direction, all by the grace of God.

Rewind to a year ago.  There was a different dream, we wanted to own a home.  Better schools, not paying someone else to live in "their" home.  We wanted something we could call our own.  A dream began, and it was an exciting time.  Following steps that were laid before us, we started to build the home of our dreams.  It was a tall order, very exact.  Must be near good schools, nice neighborhood, the ability to accommodate six kids when needed, a nice kitchen...It all fell into place, and a journey began.

Now, in the event you have never built a home, it is no small task.  Two people, two different visions, it's...interesting.  "If you can get through building a house together, you can get through anything", my mother said.  At times, I was sure at least one of us would get through...but bets were on who would make it out alive.  I learned patience, or better, how to have more of it.  However, I am pretty sure MJ would scoff at that, but he's not here to confirm or deny that...thankfully.  We did a LOT of compromising, this for that.  How important is this to you?  Is it worth giving up that?  It was a long process, but we got through it.

Everything was moving along just fine...until.  To some, it would seem like no big deal, but, we are not "some", more specifically, I am not "some".  I am me, and there are things I do not budge on.  Our journey came to an abrupt halt when the stone on the front of the house we were building, did not match the vision I had.  At first, I mulled it over, tried to look past the "minor" difference.  But then, I began to realize, it was not a minor difference.  It was a HUGE difference, and darn it, I didn't like it.  So I prayed.

Judges, chapters 6-8, tells the story of Gideon and the fleece.  It is one of my favorite stories, you should read it.  I am not big on asking God to prove Himself to me,  but there are times when I need Him to be clear.  I need a sign, something that is not questionable.  This "dream home" was seeming to crumble, or, my anxiety was getting the best of me, and the change was too much.  I was unsure if I was being irrational and unreasonable, or if I was being shown that there was another path we now needed to take.  So, I laid my fleece upon the floor, and asked God for my answer.

The answer I was given was to walk away from this dream.  At the time, it was also to walk away from any monies we had put down to secure said dream, which was absolutely the hardest thing for me to do.  But when you ask God for a specific direction, and He shows you, don't question it.  So, with my faith in hand, MJ and I canceled the contract on the "American Dream".  As a side note, they gave use back our earnest money IN FULL...after a bit of persuasion from me...Pure will and determination, when I has it, look out!

One of the main reasons for the move, actually the reason for the move, was to get the boys into better schools.  School was out in two months, summer on the way, and we were back to square one.  Oh.joy.  I madly searched for homes, cursed myself for throwing away all the information about which schools were "the best", and began to slowly panic.  The up side to going through all of this, was that MJ and I are now, relatively quick on coming together in our thoughts.  Rent or buy?  Considering the time crunch, and our pickiness about a home, we decided to rent.  With that comes it own set of challenges.  Good schools, or what I deem good, are in expensive parts of town...and expensive parts of town have high rent.  And high rent on a medium budget, sometimes don't jive.  More praying.

MJ was sitting in bed, "Hey Baby, what about this"?  It was a four bedroom, two bath home for rent, in our budget, near Lake Travis.  It was an ad on Craigslist, a week old no less, and I though, yeah right.  It's either gone, or a scam.  For kicks, I told MJ to call the number, which he did, and left a message.  I expected nothing, no, I expected to never hear back from anyone.  A week or so later, MJ got a call!  Someone had already shown interest...but it fell through, were we still interested?  Still not getting my hopes up, we headed out to give the place a look.

Sometimes, what you want and what you need aren't the same thing.  When I compare this house to our "dream", it's no comparison.  But, as I type this out on the deck, looking at the lake, hearing the birds sing, and the boats having some morning fun, I can't help but think "Life is good".  The endless boxes have been whittled down to several...the kitchen is stuffed to overflowing.  I am still looking for the darn sheets for Maverick's bed!!!  But in the last week, we've pulled together and created a home.  We've had friends over more in this week than we did in the 3 years at the other house.  And did I mention the lake??  There is a dock we have access to, and now that we've figured out we can DRIVE down instead of walk...I've heard owls, seen scrub jays and humming birds.  A deer wandered by in the early morning as I sat on the deck.  We have target practice daily, which the boys love.  You can see the stars at night, the storms roll in and the breeze is constant.

"If you're lucky enough to live on the lake, you're lucky enough".  I am not lucky, I am blessed.  God has a plan, and when I let Him, things just fall into place.  It may not be perfect, but what is perfect?  Home is where the heart is, and I can say with confidence, all of our hearts are here.  If the boys have said it once, they've said it a million times, "I like our new home".  And if you have an 11 year old boy, you know how precious those words are.  I have finally found a place to relax, I laugh at how slow I drive now.  I enjoy going to the store because I cross the bridge below the dam in route.  It's a sight that hasn't gotten old.  People fly by me, rushing to get wherever it is they need to go, and I think "But you're here...why rush"?

This feels like home.  I've not felt at home for five years, I was always waiting for what was next.  This is what is next, and I intend to enjoy every second of it.  My most pressing moment is what time we should head down to the dock, how is going to come out, do I have enough sun screen?  This is where I needed to be.  A place to have my family, to enjoy our time together.  To have a place friends can come and relax, bbq, drink a beer or three.  Let the kids roam free without worry.  This is how life should be, anywhere, not just on the lake.  But, MAN, does the lake make it better!!

Who Needs a Real Life When We Have FaceBook??

It is a new phenomenon, peoples worlds are changed when FaceBook revamps its' format.  I had to sit and laugh the last couple of days at all the bitching and moaning going on.  I mean, really, it's FB people.  It changed, big deal, move.on.

Then, I found myself irrationally upset that I kept getting notifications for two certain friends.  It's not that I don't care, but really, 14 notifications because SoandSo went there with someone I don't know, or care to know?  14??  Last week, if I cared, I could scroll down the news feeds and see who was doing/thinking what.  If I was really interested in what someone was doing, I could go to their page.  Back in the day, getting a little "2" above the notification button was exciting!!  Now, it has lost it's thrill, it makes me sad (and annoyed).  I have unchecked, unsubscribed and all but blocked/unfriended these people.  And I swear to Maude that if I get another notification, because I don't know how to opt out of that, I'll SCREAM.

Now, you make me look at some little scrolling dealy on the right to see status updates, but you still show me status updates in the middle but they seem to be limited to the lamest things on the planet.  Of course in the little scrolling dealy, I now know that SoandSo posted to her bff's comment about having a bad day.  It is more information that I need, and NONE that I actually want.

There is probably some simple solution to this, but it is beyond me.  There are more list in more categories. I'm surprised that they haven't separated my friends into Jocks, Stoners, Fakers and Hippies (now that, I could get behind).  But they put some people in a "Close Friends" list and it made me laugh.  Dude, I haven't talked to her in y.e.a.r.s we are not close.  Somewhere, it did ask me who was in my family, ADD+, how many of you wished you could do that in real life??  "You're in the family, you're in the family, opps, sorry, you didn't make the cut.  Try harder and well see next week".

The security aspect I haven't even thought about, because, well, I haven't gotten that far in the process.  I'm sure something has changed, because when FB re-formats, all our laundry seems to be made public.  There isn't a lot I put "out there" that I want kept secret.  Seriously, if you type it into the securest secure place on the internets, it's still on the internets.  But I do have pictures of my kids, and I sometimes get caught up in the "some weirdo is going to copy and paste your kids picture and do weird things with it".  That kinda freaks me out, because of course, as a mom, I start thinking, "Well, what if they decide that's just the most adorable child they have ever seen and go to his school and nab him"??!  Lucky for me, I'm pretty sure they would immediately return Mav and William...Austin might be kept longer until they realize he's not going to do a.thing. unless they have Xbox, or there is money involved.

Just about the time we all get our feathers smoothed and are lovin' the FB again, they'll change something. ~sigh~  Apparently they missed the memo about "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".  It was such a simple concept when it started, a perfect concept even.  Why try to improve on perfect??  But like I told a fb friend, next week (though it might take a month since so much changed) we won't even remember what it changed from and it will just be "normal" fb again. ~meh~  We gotta have something to bitch about though, and if it really is the fb format that is our biggest bitch of the day, life is pretty darn good!